Rose: I’m just so full of love, I have to let it out. [singing] I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Blanche: Well, since we’re being honest, Dorothy, I have a question for you. You’re supposed to be my best friend. Best friends should be able to confide in one another. How come I overheard you on the telephone telling Anita I had my tubes tied?

Dorothy: I said you’d bought a tube top. When did you have your tubes tied?

Blanche: I didn’t. If I had, it’d have been when you had your nose done.

Dorothy: I never had my nose done. Rose is the one who had it done. Whoops. Sorry, Rose.

Blanche: Since we’re gonna die anyway, I might as well be honest too, Rose. I slept with your cross-eyed cousin Nolan when he visited us from Ohio. And he was lousy in bed.

Rose: I knew about that a long time ago. Nolan told me. He said you were the one that was lousy.

Rose: I’m crying because we’re dying and I’ve so many things to tell you.

Blanche: Like what?

Rose: Like… once I read your diary.

Blanche: You what?

Rose: It was an accident! You left it open. I was 20 pages in before I realized it wasn’t a Sidney Sheldon novel.

Blanche: Whip us up a batch of fresh water made from sea water.

Rose: About the sea water…

Dorothy: You don’t know how to do it?

Rose: I know how. There’s just one little problem. I need a ten gallon copper pot, seven feet of aluminum tubing, and a big roll of cheesecloth.

Blanche: How long have they been gone?

Dorothy: Over four hours.

Blanche: Think anything happened to them?

Dorothy: No, they probably just stopped to rest.

Blanche: Maybe they’re looking for something to carry water.

Rose: Maybe they were clawed to death by bloodthirsty animals.

Rose: Alright, everybody, now shut the hell up! I’m in charge. From now on, everybody listens to me.

Dudebro: Why should we listen to you?

Rose: I am the most decorated pioneer scout in the history of northern Minnosota. I can build a 100 foot rope bridge, start a fire with rocks, distil sea water into drinking water. If you want to get out of this alive, listen to me. Any objections?

Dudebro: No.

Rose: I didn’t think so.

Dudebro: It was our superior sailing skill that saved your lives.

Dorothy: Hanging onto the mast screaming, “Please, God, take the old ladies, but don’t hurt us.” That does not qualify as skill.

Blanche: You almost killed us, you nitwits! I hate you! I curse the day I ever laid eyes on you. I curse the day your momma laid eyes on your daddy, and the day he laid down with her.

Dudebro: So, how have you ladies been enjoying your vacation?

Dorothy: As a child during the Depression, I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted by a shoemaker. That was more fun than this.